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THATADULT is one of our favorite internet creators right now. In this article Rian thoughtfully predicts the future, dissects the past, and accurately discerns the present.

PRESENT - Life Update:
I’ve been doing contortion stretches on my bed in the shapes of different letters (‘A’ shape for
the first name of the girl I have a crush on, ‘F’ shape because it feels good, ‘C’ because I want a
cat but I have an open floor plan so I can’t), and this is NOT medical advice but I have added at
least 10 years to my life and relieved years of trauma. I can feel it… period…

FUTURE - Horoscope:
The signs as things in fashion right now that matter TO ME:
Aries: Bellhop or sexy valet worker style - Matching vests and mini skirt, short sleeve dress
shirt, red tie, literally a nametag IRL– people should know your name
Taurus: Authentic fisherman style - gigantic boots and stockings to protect your feet, mini skirt
and thermal shirt, and bait
Gemini: true raver but like, is a normal person
Cancer: Esthero - mid 2000’s fashion style, being critical of the function of the music industry,
subliminally calling people out for copying you even if it may have been a coincidence
Leo: Kerri Hilson “Pretty Girl Rock” music video aesthetic, cinematography, makeup, hair,
fashion, song, attitude, delusion
Virgo: Authentic professional wormer uniform
Libra: Authentic professional wormer uniform but with a skirt
Scorpio: Whoever builds the Rick Owens furniture– the clothes they wear (idk who or what, it’s
more of a mood / vibe)
Sagittarius: Ironic fashion in professional contexts while being normal
Capricorn: “Store-run to get a new obscure canned drink” outfits
Aquarius: Whatever people on RadioLab look like IRL but I haven’t checked. This is based on
the voices
Pisces: Original Black Eyed Peas (pre-Fergie, sorry) performance outfits

PAST - Schoolyard Prophet:
Also, I’m obsessed with schoolyard lore and the dynamics of niche aspects of kid-culture (only
as it relates to my own experiences, btw), and I realized there was this schoolyard prophet
experience I had in elementary school that has ruled my experiences my entire life
In elementary school, some kids would try to scare younger kids by explaining that the meaning
of life could be found in a dream. In order to scare children, they would limit the ability to have
this dream to certain kids who they approved of– ie: “Have you had the dream with the door?
John and I have had the dream, it only comes to you when [insert made up milestone that
they’ve achieved that other kids supposedly have not]. In the dream with the door, everything in
the room is white and you see the door. Someone comes to you and encourages you to go
through the door. If you ever get this dream, do NOT open the door. Wait and show patience. A
second door will appear, go through that door. When you enter that door, you’ll see the truth

about this reality”. I never had the dream, so I never got the answer to what this reality is or the
meaning of life. And I don’t think John or the other kid did either. But I think that was a cool and
scary thing to say, and I think it makes me question what the possibilities are if the kid was
telling the truth somehow, and there is a door you have to go to for understanding in this life,
and if the key to life was exclusive to two kids in my Miami elementary school, and if it was,
what they’re planning to do with that information and how long they’re willing to keep the secrets
of the mysteries of the world as we know it. Either way, schoolyard prophet teas!

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